My Higher Power is John Stamos
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
