if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
