im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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