My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
