I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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