Where did you get a picture of my penis
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
