my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We left an ass print on the piano.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
