Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
