i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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