so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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