I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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