it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
