Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
