What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
