If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
