last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
