"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
