Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
