some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
