I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
