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I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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