I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
did i just pee glitter
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
