im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
