Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
