You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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