So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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