Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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