tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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