I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
