I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
