I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
