I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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