I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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