Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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