So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
