he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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