I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
