your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
