yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
