Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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