i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
