Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
