i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
