She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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