after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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