I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
