I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
