So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
