Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
