how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
