gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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